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What’s Happening vs Our Story

by | Apr 24, 2019 | Grief and Loss, Mindfulness | 0 comments

 

When my son was 3 years old, approx. one year after he acquired language, he asked me, “Why doesn’t Daddy love me?”

Here’s the context.

We moved internationally 4 months before my son was born. We bought a house. Neither my husband nor I had I job. My husband entered the country on a visitor’s visa and was not allowed to work. I gave birth. I stayed home to raise our boy.  My husband received his residency card 6 months after my son was born. He proceeded to work around the clock for three years re-inventing himself, self employed, in a new country. He was tired. He was away a lot. He was often grumpy.

The meaning my son made of his father’s coming and going from the house and his tone of voice was, “Daddy doesn’t love me. There is something wrong with me.”

We all do this.

We all make meaning. It begins at around 2 years old as we acquire language.

‘There is something wrong with me’ is a story EVERYONE on the planet can relate to.

‘I don’t belong’ is another story we all tell at one time or another.

‘I’m on my own’ is a frequent third.

Alienation stories are common.

You may be telling a few alienation stories right now.

Loss and challenges conceiving resurrect these stories.
 
Stories, of course, are different and separate from happenings.

My husband’s tone of voice and frequency of entry and exit from the house was fundamentally separate from the meaning my son made.

If my son was never able to see ‘the happening’ as separate from ‘the meaning’ he made, he’d feel unloved his entire life!
And long-for a different father, a different ‘happening’. He’d be powerless, in other words. And stuck. And feel deeply ashamed.

In our case, if we are unable to see:

1. The Happenings: “Endometrial cells growing outside the uterus’ or ‘High levels of insulin in the bloodstream’

As different from:

2. The Meaning we Make: “There is something wrong with me,” or “I don’t belong” or “I’m alone.”

our amygdala sends signals to our endocrine system that something is wrong and reproductive hormone production stops.

Conception shuts down.

We have to see the meaning we’re making as separate from what’s happening.

Healing may require changing or fixing ‘what’s happening’.

But to do that effectively, first we have to see what’s happening.

Separate from the meaning we make.

And take aligned action.

Fertile things happen when we do.

All my very best, always,

 

Buffy

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