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The Fear of Loss

by | Mar 20, 2019 | Grief and Loss, Mindfulness | 0 comments

 

THE MOST TRANSFORMATIVE tool I teach women who are having trouble conceiving or carrying to term is this:

Acknowledge the pain, the shame, the loss, the powerlessness, without needing it to go away (without aversion).  

If you carefully investigate how you relate to unpleasant feelings, you will see that there are two crucial steps:

Step 1: an unpleasant feeling arises;

Step 2: your mind-body reacts to the unpleasant feeling or experience by trying, in one way or another, to avoid experiencing the feeling or the thing that is causing the feeling. Some examples are resistance, worry, blame, rumination, tuning out, “having to do something,” and self-criticism.

Most often Steps 1 & 2 get bundled together and we don’t see them as separate and different; we just do everything in our power so we don’t feel the pain.

Which is exhausting and depleting for our body.

By becoming more aware of this 1-2 pattern, you can take a powerful step toward freeing yourself from the fear of loss and pain.

Why is this so important while trying to conceive?

Aversion is absolutely fundamental to us as human beings. It is not bad or wrong. When faced with a threat, like a saber-toothed tiger, aversion can save your life!

The problem comes when the unpleasant experience is embodied, within us. When the thing we are trying to avoid is inside us – like the feeling of loss.

When the feeling of loss is inside us, aversion only depletes us further.

A central aim of the Mindful Fertility process is to begin to unlearn the habit of avoiding and disconnecting from the loss you feel, from the pain you feel.

The way you do that is to become an expert in how aversion affects you – in your body.

Aversion takes different forms from one person to another. Mostly, it involves:

1. An overall feeling of “not wanting.” – not wanting things to be as they are, not wanting to be having the experiences we are having, not wanting to be the person that we think we are. One way or another, we feel we need things to be different. This will, itself, feel unpleasant.

2. A characteristic pattern of sensations in the body – often a sense of pushing away, contraction, resistance, tightness, bracing or intensity. Some people experience tension in the face, shoulders or in the stomach or chest. Some people feel numb, cold, dizzy. Others feel like any sensation below the head is out of view. Some feel a speeding up, like a hyper-productivity, racing heart, sweaty hands. Many people experience an increase in thinking. Some people cannot sit down or sit still.

How did your Mom deal with emotional or physical pain?

How did your Dad deal with emotional or physical pain?

What is your aversion signature?

 
All my very best, always,
 
Buffy

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