A PLACE TO EXPLORE IDEAS
AND HAVE CONVERSATIONS
Step 1: Nutrition (Natural Treatment Protocols for 7 Hormonal Conditions)
Step 2: Self Acupressure & Yoga (4 Instructional Videos to Thicken the Uterine Lining)
Step 3: Mindfulness Meditation (2 Audio Meditations to Reduce Stress and Depression)
Humility, not Perfection on the Road to Fertility
The desire to get everything “right” while trying to conceive, although completely understandable, is incredibly stressful.
We believe when we get it all “right” we will conceive.
However, after decades of research and practice in assisted reproduction; IUI, IVF, sperm donation or egg donation is not a guarantee of pregnancy. Something about conception, birth and death makes it clear that even when conditions are physiologically “perfect,” we cannot manufacture a life. Conception is an excellent reminder that we are more than a collection of body parts.
From a psychological perspective, the inner attitude of having to do it “right” fills your body with tension. Your body will feel on edge, like it is always being watched and judged. This keeps your nervous system constantly in survive mode, because “right” (i.e. – pregnant) feels conditional. There is no rest, only chronic vigilance and control followed by bursts of reactivity. No’body’ thrives when it has been made into a project.
I was reading a touching blog recently by a woman who had been through six years of fertility struggles, 14 IVF cycles, eight pregnancies, and finally delivered a healthy baby girl. She wrote this about her experience:
“For this pregnancy, we tried anything anyone could think of. Transfusions of immunoglobulins, injections of every kind of pregnancy hormone, using donor sperm, bed rest, a cerclage, hydroxyprogesterone injections—and it worked. Well… mostly. For the third time, we got pregnant with twins, but we lost one of the babies in the first trimester. Even with everything we tried, a baby still died. That makes it even harder to know what (if anything) made any difference at all. The second baby was exposed to absolutely the same things that our daughter was. So why did she live and her twin died? We will never know.”
We are indeed more than the sum of our parts.
But a failed IUI, or failed IVF can be the start of real healing.
Mindfulness teaches us that failure and heartbreak are part of LIFE; however bittersweet. It is our mind that judges them as “wrong.” When you acknowledge your losses as an aspect of your fertility, your body gets the message that failures are an essential and generative part of life.
You’re being more accepting of your body’s vulnerability helps it relax into thrive mode, where you are better able to assess what is happening and act with true clarity and wisdom.
Accepting heartbreak as a part of life helps remind us that we are dynamic – continually evolving body-minds – as opposed to static, fixed, “infertile” OR “fertile” entities. Responding to heartbreak gracefully helps us see our fertility as a PROCESS and promotes humility.
For Michelle, this realization made all of the difference. She had just been through an unsuccessful IVF after 2 years of trying to conceive. Through the Mindful Fertility process she discovered how enlivening heartbreak and loss actually is. She came to the realization that without failure, or despair or loss she could actually never grow or evolve or LIVE – that she could never truly try.
The mind generally tells a different story: “you don’t have it RIGHT,” it says when we experience loss. The body knows differently, however, and so does Michelle. “Heartbreak is not the loss of life but life itself,” she said to me. Michelle was pregnant six weeks after this realization – naturally.
I know what you are thinking. How could I EVER experience the death of a newborn child, a miscarriage, a failed IVF or a negative pregnancy test as enlivening – as life giving?
Yet somewhere deep down you know that life is indeed a paradox.
The Mindful Fertility Project is about acknowledging this paradox and developing a “growth mindset” as opposed to a “fixed mindset” about our fertility. A growth mindset is one where losses are seen and felt as an essential part of our fertility. Whereas a fixed mindset sees and experiences losses as confirmation of our “infertility.”
When you see death or loss or heartbreak as wrong or a sign that you are not doing something right, you feel an immense amount of stress.
When you love your body unconditionally – its successes and its failures – you allow it to move toward the thrive-side growth mindset; toward LIFE.
When my son was 3 years old, approx. one year after he acquired language, he asked me, “Why doesn’t Daddy love me?”
Step 1: Nutrition (Natural Treatment Protocols for 7 Hormonal Conditions) Step 2: Self Acupressure & Yoga (4 Instructional Videos to Thicken the Uterine Lining) Step 3: Mindfulness Meditation (2 Audio Meditations to Reduce Stress and Depression) [activecampaign...
The appearance of new ways of thinking and communicating, between 70,000 & 30,000 years ago, constitutes the Cognitive Revolution. These new ways of thinking and communication enabled humans to conquer the world.
THE MOST TRANSFORMATIVE tool I teach women who are having trouble conceiving or carrying to term is this:
Acknowledge the pain, the shame, the loss, the powerlessness, without needing it to go away (without aversion).
Your fertility story is the very foundation of the Mindful Fertility process. Even if you’ve done tons of therapy, as you pursue your longing for a child, as your vulnerability increases, as you heal, change your behavior, change your state of consciousness, at every new level of growth and expansion, it’s your fertility story that determines your “success” because the image of a successful cycle is held in your implicit memory – deep in your sub-conscious mind.
One of the very first psychological processes that gets triggered while trying to conceive is self-doubt.