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The Healing Power of Heartbreak

by | Jan 20, 2017 | Grief and Loss | 0 comments

When I began my work with Dr. Smikle, Reproductive Endocrinologist and Medical Director at Laurel Fertility Care, in SF, California, I felt the impulse to try to find the culprit, to try to fix “infertility” for men and women trying to conceive.

I truly wished, as we all do, that solving fertility problems were that easy!

If I could identify one thing as THE cause, like stress, the solution would be so much more accessible.

But what is accessible is not always true.

And I knew this going in.

So I found the courage to respond to my first referral unconventionally – even while I was working within a conventional Western medicine paradigm. I decided not to try and fix her perceived “disease.” I decided to affirm her truth.

She came into my office very despondent and I said to her, “This is what it feels like to lose. This is real. Real loss. Potentially unfixable.”

And of course she burst into tears and started sobbing.

I didn’t try to fix her grief, either. I sat there with her, silently, while she heaved, and gagged and sobbed.

“This is potentially unfixable,” I knew it and she knew it.

In honoring this truth, between us emerged a powerful moment of humble, powerless unknowing where the sadness of her ongoing loss washed through us and we could not escape into fixing.

It was a REALLY powerful and necessary moment. It was the truth.

Heartbreak has the power to reach into us deeply enough to wipe away frozen ways of seeing and ingrained patterns of response. It gives us fresh eyes, and it loosens the tentacles of fear that hold us in convention.

For many of us, the ready solution is like a drug, diverting attention from the pain without healing the wound.

Six weeks later she was pregnant – naturally.

What if the truth is something so all-encompassing and so intertwined with life as we know it, that when we glimpse its enormity we don’t know what to do?

And what if the effect of that honest ‘not knowing’ is the source of new life itself?

I like to ask women I work with, “When you experience loss while trying to conceive what story do you tell?”

Because loss will not give up.

It will continue to erupt out of your fertile body as an emissary of unity, unfolding greater levels of connection and drawing you to wholeness.

It’s invitation is simultaneously loving, and outrageously fierce: “dare to see that you have always, already been whole,” loss says.

Surrender the spell of unworthiness and the dream of a love coming in the future this New Year.

Love is only now. Here in the darkness.

There’s only ONE thing better than getting what you want this year: it’s knowing that you are at peace whether you get it or not.

All my very best, always,

Buffy

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